Do Not Go Gentle...

Something a friend wrote got me thinking this morning.  Since we moved to Texas about 40 years ago, my husband  has always said he didn't want to be buried here.  We have gotten less religious as the years have gone by, and we never were church goers anyway.   We were married by a judge and that has lasted almost 48 years [as of August 31 this year (2024) it will be 56 years.  But who's counting?]  so we just never got in the habit I guess. Anyway, when we talk about end of life things, we never seem to discuss any religious rites.  

I don't want to speak for my husband, only myself. I've always considered myself a Christian, but for the  most part an "unaffiliated one" I suppose.  I was baptized as a child [Baptist] and as an adult and tried very hard to be a part of something bigger than myself.  But I cannot change some very core beliefs I have...I guess those came even before Sunday School....from my parents no doubt.  And more beliefs I've gained throughout my life from watching, listening, reading, discussing .....and these often conflicted with what I heard in (the very fundamental) churches I attended.  I've learned about more liberal...some very liberal...churches and people and agree very often with what I've heard.   And  then I began to consider, more often, the  old thoughts and feelings from my teens and twenties when I delved into atheism.  So what am I now?  Pretty confused. 

 I will always consider the teachings of Jesus as a cornerstone of my beliefs and mores.  And I will continue to feel that way even if the "myth" of an historical Jesus is disproved.  What is harder for me to deal  with.....as I actually want to believe in a higher power, in an after life and so forth.....is the very strong feeling I have that I'm believing in myth...creation stories.  

So here I am, full circle.  I think cremation is the ecological and economically appropriate way to dispose of human bodies.  But I have some creepy feelings about it too.  Then I think of what happens to bodies in the ground and find myself still creeped out.  There is also this:  what if my family had to deal with this sooner than later - when my grandchildren are still relatively young; but not obliviously young.  As a child, considering the cremation of a loved one's mortal remains would probably have upset me. Badly.  So I'm going to research that aspect some.  But right now I'm thinking , y'all have a party:  serve some red beans and rice and put some links on the grill; ice down some beer and some good sparkling wine;  make a pan of brownies....say some nice things about me if you can...and sprinkle my ashes in the Gulf of Mexico - halfway between Texas and Florida.  And if I am out  there in the ether somewhere, I'll think good thoughts about all y'all too.

So it began. first published December 2015

I've been considering a blog for a long time but wondered if I really have anything to say, and if so, wondered if anyone would ever want to read it.  My retirement from education has dragged on for four and a half years so far and I find my sights narrowing by the day.  When imagining this time of my life it seemed much more interesting than the day to day reality has turned out to be.  So this is my attempt to do, well, anything but what this reality has devolved into:  sitting around, waiting, for ... something. 

Facebook has become way too important to me.  I find myself writing long comments on other people's posts.  Yep.  Turning into THAT person.  So I've decided that if I have something to say, I'll say it on my own damned page.  

Hence, the blog.  I have physical limitations but I'm tired of the pain managing me and not the other way around.  This pain makes me too dependent on others.  Well, screw that.  I have been considered intelligent and consider myself fairly well educated and widely read.  I just need to start acting as if I am still those things.  

And finally, I need to expand my world from this little bit of East Texas woods outside my windows.  I've been other places, lived other places, and dreamed other dreams.  But all those things are in my past.  Nobody did this to me.  I've done it to myself.  But no more.  Once again I'm going to dream.  I'm going to go places and do things.  And I'm going to stop sitting around here waiting to freakin' die.   

[Well. Wasn't I an optimist back in the day? My husband finally retired for real a few years ago and it's nothing like I dreamed it could be. Instead my health deteriorates and I am becoming a female hermit.]